Headlines

BBC Breaking News:

UN Leadership reflects on the U.S. election

Kofi Annan has been quoted as saying "with the reelection of George W. Bush, it is apparent that our attempts to influence American politics has failed." Sources within the UN, on condition of anonymity, have told the BBC that "Annan blames himself. He has ample evidence that the UN is useless and incapable of anything, and he should have hired a contractor to run the attempt to swing the election." Annan also noted that "at least now we don't have to suffer through Clinton running the UN when my term is up."

Reuters:

Federal Complaint Filed

Ohio Hacker Local 420 has filed a complaint with the EEOC that states that "the use of outsourced labor to electronically stuff voting machines violates federal law." The Local apparently has proof that their bid to stuff the electronic polling machines was undercut by an upstart Indian company, that charges only 30 cents per hour.

Local hackers are outraged. "We could have provided this service, and you can be damn sure that American craftsmen would not have been caught with such a stupid mistake as adding votes after the polls closed."

A spokesman for the Indian company has apparently pointed to the recent Day Light Savings time as the problem, and promised that they will address this issue in the future. "Who would have thought that Americans actually change the time of day? You guys are inscrutable," he said.

From AP:

Democrats apparently despondent over the change to electronic voting machines.


After 5 decades of refining the art of ballot box stuffing, Democrats are now playing catch-up with more savvy Republicans. James Thomas of Akron Ohio says "it is really just unfair. I showed up at the polling place looking like Sandy Berger with ballots stuffed in my socks, and the damn polling station looked like an ATM. The best I could do was shove them into the provisional box." Thomas' father Tony said "I just felt bad for him. This has been part of our Laborer Local's election day antics for as long as I can remember, and now James is losing his chance to carry on the tradition. What are the Republican's going to take away from us next?

Lisa Thayer, the Republican poll watcher at the precinct was sympathetic: " I know those guys put a lot of effort into turning the election, but you can't stop progress." Thayer also lamented that the Republicans have apparently outsourced the new electronic stuffing to India, saying "my little brother was ready and willing to crack the box, but we apparently found it cheaper to get help from India." Her brother has apparently already approached the Democratic party for next year.

AP:

New Rove Plan Unearthed

Canadians plan to block the border of all Americans due to Rove plan to swing Canada to the right. Rove has unleashed hundreds of thousands of right-wing activists to swarm Canadian cultural centers. American liberals fleeing the American election debacle are being caught in the dragnet, as Canadian immigration is unable to recognize liberal trademarks such as plastic shoes and unwashed hair.

The Rove plan is unlikely to work, however, because once in country his activists have been unable to identify any Canadian cultural centers, and apparently his operatives have also been co-opted by massive amounts of beer. Meanwhile, plastic-shoe wearing liberals at the border have run out of Chardonnay, and have no prospect for refill if and when they ever get past the border into the Great White North Land of Beer. They also have really cold feet.

Fat people are enviro terrorists:
"The obesity epidemic has unexpected consequences beyond direct health effects," said Dr. Deron Burton of the CDC. "Our goal was to highlight one area that had not been looked at before."

The extra fuel burned also had an environmental impact, as an estimated 3.8 million extra tons of carbon dioxide were released into the air, according to the study.

Bush's first pro environment action:

Perhaps we should release the EPA dogs in the grocery store...

ASSOCIATED PRESS WRITER

TOLEDO, Ohio -- In an unprecedented move for licensed airwaves, Sinclair Broadcasting has made another last minute change to required broadcasting for its 62 stations. What Democrat spokesman Brian Van Lucen calls "a bold faced attempt to drive down democratic turnout," Sinclair has announced an 18 hour commercial-free Jerry Springer re-run marathon on November 2d. Beginning at 6 am EST, some of the best known episodes are expected have an average 16 share throughout most urban areas. Van Lucen indicated that party officials estimate that 12% of likely Democrat voters will find it nearly impossible to leave the house in order to vote.
This is not the first time that Sinclair has tried to influence the election, having recently aired an hour long anti-Kerry special. However, according to political science Professor Maxwell Turner at Ohio State University, this new attempt is much more insidious. According to Turner, Sinclair chose the one show that skews 95% Democrat, and will have a special effect on Ohio, Springer's residence and likely home for a bid for Senate next term.
Just throwing Ohio alone could turn the election, and with Ohio polling near even, the Springer broadcast has met howls of indignation from democratic operatives. Republican spokesman Mike Dickerson, however, was more philosophical. "Most states ban alcohol sales for election day, so this was the best we could do to keep unemployed people home on the couch" he said.

Okay, maybe they were not all real...