Found: Weapon of Mass Destruction

AP Breaking News Baghdad:

One long sought after weapon has finally been found. According to sources, the unexpected small size of the weapon caused the fruitless search to continue with no success for the past couple years, but the recovery team finally identified the weapon, and its diabolical use.

Translated from Arabic, the instruction manual indicates that the user simply needs to watch the video while exercising and eating right, and mass will simply disappear. A threatening photo of Richard Simmons appears on the cover.

Military scientists are testing the procedure now to determine how effective the weapon is.