Irish Lose!

AP: Belfast.

After 35 years of armed rebellion, the Irish Republican Army has finally decided that they are no match for Britian. Despite the fact that all other lands occupied by Britian have long won independence, the Irish determined that they are not up to the job. Observers world wide agreed.

In related news, France has indicated an intent to occupy several southern counties within Ireland, explaining that it appears like a certain opportunity to break their own losing streak. While the French Defense minister acknowledged that occupying Ireland is no longer considered "1-A" ball, it still beats losing.

AP was unable to find any Irish people sober enough to comment.