Friday, November 10, 2006

Bush Wins Greenpeace Award

AP:  Washington

In an unexpected move, Greenpeace has announced today that President George W. Bush has been the greatest impact on reducing current and future CO2 and other pollution production than anyone this decade.

According to the release, George W. Bush has been personally credited with the reduction of over 700,000 Pollution Production Units (PPU), 650,000 of which were high value reductions.  Greenpeace methodology is to use a cumulative accounting system to quantify total impact over the lifetime of the individual units:  Some units in Western nations are equal in output to five times the output of the typical third world unit.

Total value output of each unit is a complex compilation of waste, biological waste, CO2, fossil fuel consumption, and reproduction.

Greenpeace spokesperson Hector Salvorson said in an interview that “it was a surprise to us as well, but after the John’s Hopkins Study, it was clear that no other person has had the overall impact on the reduction of individual Pollution Production Units than George W. Bush.”

Further background was provided in the release that indicates that because the reproductive rate in the third world is so high, reduction of individual units, particularly of those of child birth age, was most valued.  Bush’s progress in Iraq alone was over 60% in the age range of 18-42.  It is believed that the reduction was so massive, that even the CO2 released by recent document incineration will be dwarfed by the positive change.

A little known requirement of the Kyoto global warming treaty redesignated individual people as Pollution Production Units, and provides incentives for PPU reduction.  It is thought that the PPU credits the United States has received due to the Iraq War may make the Treaty more palatable for US involvement.

Greenpeace considered a Time Magazine-like award to "the American Soldier" for doing such good work for the environment, but decided that was cheesy.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow was unavailable for comment.



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