Scandinavian Origins of The Burqa

AP Trondheim

Scandinavian researchers at the Skraeling Institute have released new data to suggest the origins of the Islamic Burqa tradition for women. After painstaking reviews of thousands of delicate records kept by Scandinavian adventurers around 1000 AD, Tor Malverson and his team are publishing an article that indicates how the Koran was first interpreted to require Muslim females to wear head to toe covering.

According to the researchers, Viking adventurers first arrived in the Middle East as early as around 950 AD, and according to their inscriptions and captain's notes aboard ship, females in the region did not wear head to toe coverings, but were dressed merely conservatively, as we would understand the terms today. However, the adventurers and raiders who made the trips were less than enthusiastic about the reception they received from the feminine Middle East counterparts, and on future trips apparently chose to bring Scandinavian women along with them.

On a later trip believed to be around 1000 AD, The Vikings, along with their wives or girlfriends, made a trading trip to exchange polar bear furs for spice. One of their trading partners is thought to be Sheik Muhammad El Abdul, a powerful religious leader in what is now Syria. According to notes, Abdul struck up a friendship with the ship's captain, believed to be Erik Blackson, and his wife, Signe. After consummating the trade, Abdul invited Blackson to visit his home in Damascus. Blackson noted in his ship's log that upon entering Abdul's home with Signe, Abdul looked at his own wife, then at Blackson's, and said, "here, put this on," indicating a burlap rice sack.

On future visits to the region, Vikings noted that the fashion of covering Islamic women from head to toe spread like wild fire, especially when any Scandinavian women were within eyesight of Islamic men.

Draft Studies Indicate Various Lengths of Service Possible

AP: Washington

Representative Charlie Rangel (D, New York) has vowed to reintroduce the draft in order to ensure the necessary force and manpower to continue the current war, and he says to make future wars less likely. According to Rangel, Congress and the President would be less likely to commit troops if there was a greater likelihood that people they know would be involved in fighting.

Given the increasingly complicated fields among combat technicians in the Army, the draft would have to be for much longer than the two year period that is commonly accepted for the force to be able to utilize today's weapon systems effectively. A draft with a five year term of service would begin to provide enough soldiers with the level of experience to be effective, according to one study. Another study indicates that the US could institute a draft service that would utilize Vietnam era weapon systems and combative techniques that could rely on two year draftees, along with commensurate increases in casualties. Under that scenario, draftees would be shuttled solely to the Marine Corps, which in response to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's focus on modernization is currently studying the Vietnam model of warfare in order to transition from its current Korean War weapons and combat model. The United States Army has agreed in principle to donate to the Marines excess rifles and other weapons that it has been storing for the last 30 years, after the Foreign Military sales program was unable to unload them on Djibouti. The Army is also currently considering recalling retired Vietnam vets to active service to teach the Marines and potential draftees how to use those systems.

Military experts disagree over the potential impact of a draft, however. Rangel's intent of getting a cross section of America in the armed services would likely face similar systemic flaws of previous attempts at a fair draft. According to some, the institution of the draft would simply increase the number of bluebloods voluntarily joining the Coast Guard and Navy, while keeping the hard working and competent "blue collar" face of the Army, and "short bus" face of the Marines.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow was unavailable for comment, as he is still recovering from smoke inhalation due to the massive incineration of documents following the election November 7th.

Bush Wins Greenpeace Award

AP:  Washington

In an unexpected move, Greenpeace has announced today that President George W. Bush has been the greatest impact on reducing current and future CO2 and other pollution production than anyone this decade.

According to the release, George W. Bush has been personally credited with the reduction of over 700,000 Pollution Production Units (PPU), 650,000 of which were high value reductions.  Greenpeace methodology is to use a cumulative accounting system to quantify total impact over the lifetime of the individual units:  Some units in Western nations are equal in output to five times the output of the typical third world unit.

Total value output of each unit is a complex compilation of waste, biological waste, CO2, fossil fuel consumption, and reproduction.

Greenpeace spokesperson Hector Salvorson said in an interview that “it was a surprise to us as well, but after the John’s Hopkins Study, it was clear that no other person has had the overall impact on the reduction of individual Pollution Production Units than George W. Bush.”

Further background was provided in the release that indicates that because the reproductive rate in the third world is so high, reduction of individual units, particularly of those of child birth age, was most valued.  Bush’s progress in Iraq alone was over 60% in the age range of 18-42.  It is believed that the reduction was so massive, that even the CO2 released by recent document incineration will be dwarfed by the positive change.

A little known requirement of the Kyoto global warming treaty redesignated individual people as Pollution Production Units, and provides incentives for PPU reduction.  It is thought that the PPU credits the United States has received due to the Iraq War may make the Treaty more palatable for US involvement.

Greenpeace considered a Time Magazine-like award to "the American Soldier" for doing such good work for the environment, but decided that was cheesy.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow was unavailable for comment.

 

Significant Impact to the Environment Due to Democratic Victory

AP:  Washington

 

Despite being the party that generally supports environmental protection, leading scientists have noted a significant risk of increased green house gasses due to the ascension to power of the democratic party.

 

According to scientists, the risks inherent in the shift in power is equal in CO2 output and increased global temperature that would be associated with a major volcanic eruption.

 

The typical party change causes localized CO2 output in the DC area to nearly double for a short time based on biologically produced exhalation, but due to the inordinate amount of files that now need to be incinerated in the Bush administration, risks of irreversible harm to the environment are unavoidable.  Police and ambulance crews have been handing out paper masks to the elderly and infirm, and mobile treatment teams are opening oxygen tents on federal property throughout the region.

 

White House Spokesman Tony Snow was being treated for smoke inhalation, and was unavailable for comment.

 

Bush Fails Military

AP: Washington

Reports from front line troops in the military have provided a resounding rebuke to the current Bush Administration. According to surveys, soldiers are very dissapointed in the direction of his leadership.

An exhausting review of opinions in the military community lays blame squarely at the feet of President Bush himself. Staff Sergeant Frederick Pyle, from the 1st Armor Division put it this way: "President Bush had one function, and he blew it. Now our soldiers are dying in vain. I mean honestly, how hard is it to create a functioning plan to win?"

Further comments from Army Major General Tom Base illustrated the point. According to Base, "We expect our leadership to provide the tools we need to bring home victory. Bush handed our supply chain to the enemy, effectively cutting off future resupply. The last five years have been wasted. I should have listened to my father and joined the Coast Guard."

Democratic Chairman Howard Dean agreed with the troops assessment, indicating that Bush was in fact a failure to be beaten by his rainbow army, and plans were in the works to shift all future military outlays to embryonic and fetal stem cell research and baby farms.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow is being treated at Walter Reed due to a paper shredder accident, and was unavailable for comment.

 

Bush Fails Military

AP: Washington

Reports from front line troops in the military have provided a resounding rebuke to the current Bush Administration. According to surveys, soldiers are very dissapointed in the direction of his leadership.

An exhausting review of opinions in the military community lays blame squarely at the feet of President Bush himself. Staff Sergeant Frederick Pyle, from the 1st Armor Division put it this way: "President Bush had one function, and he blew it. Now our soldiers are dying in vain. I mean honestly, how hard is it to create a functioning plan to win?"

Further comments from Army Major General Tom Base illustrated the point. According to Base, "We expect our leadership to provide the tools we need to bring home victory. Bush handed our supply chain to the enemy, effectively cutting off future resupply. The last five years have been wasted. I should have listened to my father and joined the Coast Guard."

Democratic Chairman Howard Dean agreed with the troops assessment, indicating that Bush was in fact a failure to be beaten by his rainbow army, and plans were in the works to shift all future military outlays to embryonic and fetal stem cell research and baby farms.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow is being treated at Walter Reed due to a paper shredder accident, and was unavailable for comment.

 

Democrats Risk More Global Warming

AP: Washington

Despite being the party that generally supports environmental protection, leading scientists have noted a significant risk of increased green house gasses due to the ascension to power of the democratic party.

According to scientists, the risks inherent in the shift in power is equal in CO2 output and increased global temperature that would be associated with a major volcanic eruption.

The typical party change causes localized CO2 output in the DC area to nearly double for a short time based on biologically produced exhalation, but due to the inordinate amount of files that now need to be incinerated in the Bush administration, risks of irreversible harm to the environment are unavoidable. Police and ambulance crews have been handing out paper masks to the elderly and infirm, and mobile treatment teams are opening oxygen tents on federal property throughout the region.

Additional concerns have been attributed to the effects of thousands of shredders running simultaneously, risking power failure, and causing inefficient back up power generation.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow was being treated for smoke inhalation, and was unavailable for comment.